The Hope of Empty Circles and Unfinished To-Do Lists
I am learning lessons. Some are fun like ballroom dancing (yes, we’re really taking lessons right now), and other lessons are harder. One of THOSE lessons is probably one I’ve been trying to learn since I was in elementary school, and I might be starting to make progress. Maybe.
CONFESSION… I can’t do everything in a day I think I can.
It’s true. I absolutely CAN NOT. And my experience with cancer has only made it more evident and harder and more frustrating to try, even 3 years later.
I have a Ph.D. in Management, an MBA, nearly 20 years of professional & leadership experience, and several awards that have led me to believe I can. I’ve taught seminars on time management and have been paid to do it. But now, in this new chapter of life following the traumatic experience of cancer, I haven’t been able to figure out how to make it to the end of a To-Do list on a post-it-note.
Occasionally, I can make it happen, but it’s really an anomaly when it does. The frustration of that has nearly cost me my sanity on more than one occasion. But I think I might be getting somewhere by doing things a little differently. To explain, let me tell you a story.
I have a new planner this year, and on the monthly view page, there is a habit tracker to track five daily habits. This habit tracker has little bubbles you can fill in (yes, like a scantron from back in the good ole days) for each day you complete each habit. A perfect day means you get to color in 5 circles. WHOO HOO! I was VERY nerdily excited about these circles. I started 2022 and my first month with five – what I felt to be reasonably straightforward habits – designed to help me get a healthy start to the new year. They were:
Drink 100 oz of water each day.
Eat 10+ fruits/vegetables each day (not servings, just bites of a variety of at least 10 different ones).
Exercise at least 1 hour per day.
Spend time each day in quiet time/devotional/prayer/journaling.
Do something creative every day.
Now, if this was my entire job, maybe I could accomplish these each day but for habits – those little things you do every single day in addition to the rest of the things in your life - this is a bit intense. Apparently not to the “December 31, 2021 version” of me though. These were the things I was so confident I could have completed by about 8 or 9 am before I started the actual tasks of my day. And I was right. For ONE DAY. That’s it. I did all five of these things on January 1, 2022, which should be noted as a holiday (and a Saturday) where I had nothing else to do but watch some football. No chores, no work, nothing. On Sunday, January 2nd, I got 3.5 done and on Monday, January 4th, I got 4.5 done but no other day was close, and by January 9th only one or two of these items were completely accomplished on any day.
By January 20th, I realized I hadn’t colored in a single circle since the 9th. I had given up. We were 20 days into a new year/new habits, and I was already fighting back the tears and the anxiety that comes with being a Type A, high achievement-striving perfectionist. I sat staring at those silly little empty circles that once brought such joy, and started to think I was failing. I shed some quiet tears (because I’ve also learned that’s helpful sometimes), and then I started a D I F F E R E N T list.
I made a list of all of the things – albeit not habits – that I had accomplished in those days, and I had a list. And not just a list, but a list I was really proud of. We were only 20 days into a new year, and I had already finished about 5-6 big things that included learning how to and installing peel-n-stick vinyl wallpaper in my laundry room and refinishing two small sets of cabinets (both new skills), finalizing a new course prep, and receiving my first wholesale Cancer Care Card order from an actual store. “Um, sister… I think you’re doing just fine. You may not be completing your To-Do list or habit list each day but you’re clearly going somewhere.”
So, that day, I reset my expectations for what were realistic habits to track. My habits this time – which, for the record, turned out to still be more challenging than expected – became:
Drink more water each day by starting with a glass before my first cup of coffee.
Eat more fruits and veggies starting with ensuring each meal includes at least one.
Move my body each day by at least taking Champ on a walk until he poops. (Please excuse the real talk; our dog does indeed use the restroom outdoors.)
Spend devotional time each day starting with writing down a daily Bible verse.
Do something creative each day starting with a 10-minute challenge. (Hello, Wordle!)
Deep breath and reset. Less pressure, less expectation, more realistic. Deep breath. Move forward.
In hindsight, I’m not sure why I was so hardcore initially about my January habits except that expecting so much to be “All In” is a habit of mine. I know this about myself, and I had been working on this very diligently during most of 2021. By working on this, I mean really working on this through time with a therapist, homework completed, books read and reflection with an accountability partner. AND I had just completed my planning for 2022 and where I came to a similar conclusion, but old habits are hard to overcome and I was still too ambitious.
That planning for 2022 though, I must not skip over that in this tale, because I think that’s where it all started to click.
Over the last few days of 2021, I developed my goals/intentions/directions for 2022. In that work, I was encouraged to look back on last year’s calendar, pictures, and social media to gather evidence of resources, strengths, and achievements that I could build on in the coming year. While I found this to be a fruitful exercise, I was not looking forward to it for me at this time in my life.
Similar to staring down those silly empty circles, 2021 was tough, despite having great intentions, and I didn’t want to look at it. It was tough for our whole family. We experienced significant loss and great disappointment. If I’m not careful, it could be a year I described by failure. There were several really big aspects of life that didn’t go as planned, and it was easy for me to pile the blame on myself. In reflection, I’ve been living under a lot of that blame and the extra burden of it for a while now.
BUT this year, at the recommendation of my sister-in-law, I approached my 2021 reflection/2022 goal setting a little differently and with appreciation. I looked back at the year purposefully looking for the positive parts. When she first explained this approach to me, I still thought, “um, I don’t think I can think of much from 2021 I’m proud of”, and I truly couldn’t. But I trusted her and trusted the process. As I sat with my discomfort and forced myself to face 2021 looking for accomplishments, strengths, best practices, and inspirations, I started realizing my lists were filling and filling with good things.
Sure, there were some failures of 2021 – both small ones and some big ones – and several that were 100% my fault – but every single one of them taught me something important. Important lessons that will build a stronger foundation in days to come. I had already given those failures ample time in my head. I had already apologized for things I need to apologize for and am already doing the best I can to move forward differently. The burdens of the guilt or continued reliving of those failures weren’t serving me well.
From a theological perspective, I’m certain it’s not Biblical either to carry all that around weighing us down and keeping us from being who He created us to be. A very wise woman, Deb Palmer George, once wrote, “…each of us is already whole, infinitely creative and abundantly resourceful. We are intrinsically capable of realizing our fullest potential.”
Not only do I believe this in theory, you know what? I think I’m actually believing it for myself now. I think I’m actually starting to learn not to be so hard on myself or pile so much on my plate (especially at a time when I am healing from the trauma of cancer). I think I’m starting to realize that little empty habit circles representing a task/habit/To Do that is not complete on a single day isn’t what really matters. When I started the year, I had too much on my plate. I both expected too much and too little from myself in a single day. I had limited my potential to be what was on my list on a single day. But this time, because of my 2022 planning and important reflection, did you notice what happened back on January 20th? While it took a few days to notice I was starting down the same path of feeling I was failing, it only took a few minutes one morning with one reflective journal entry, and a few silent tears, to know how to re-center and reset.
Maybe I’m not the only one who needs this lesson. Maybe there are more of us who put too much on ourselves. Maybe, just maybe, someone else needs to hear this, too. Maybe we need the reminder, both for the ways we fall short ourselves and as we look towards the unfinished tasks and To Dos of others.
Beginning today, may we all see the opportunity for growth and lessons learned in what we once saw as failures. As we see open items on To-Do lists or empty circles not colored in, may we remember that we are human and the goal isn’t perfection. And, even when things don’t go as planned and we or those around us really do mess up, there is ALWAYS hope that goodwill still abound if we keep moving forward. And THAT good is probably something bigger, better, and more important anyway.
Love first and hope always,
Lulu