How to Support
In addition to saying the right things and giving in meaningful ways, you may be wondering how do you show up for a friend on a cancer journey in just the right ways. In an effort to capture the most helpful “what to dos” for supporting cancer patients, I’ve listed some ideas in three basic categories: Presence, Talents, Food
Presence.
First, be present…either through texts (without expectation of replies), funny or fun emails or memes, or if appropriate, show up in person. Here are some common do’s and don’ts for showing up for people:
If you can show up, offer and respect the answer. If the person wants you to leave, give some space. It’s likely not personal if the patient is not up for a visit or is ready for you to leave.
Be careful about germs of ANY KIND.
Make sure you’re well.
Leave your shoes, any outer wear, and purses/bags at the door.
Wash your hands upon arrival and often when you’re there.
Wear a mask.
If you’re wanting to volunteer to sit with a patient (especially around chemo), here are some thoughts:
It’s good for a patient to have someone with him/her/them the day of chemo until someone else can be home.
The day after chemo may likely be a day the patient will feel the most energy, be up for a chat, a short walk, or like eating food. Steroids accompany chemo doses and they are still in full-swing. There’s usually a cycle and for me, my 4 hard rounds looked like this:
The day of chemo was okay until a few hours after the infusion was finished and I started to feel terrible. I couldn’t move and even thinking about it to this day makes me nauseous.
The morning after chemo was a fog but without terrible pain or nausea. About 24 hours after the end of the infusion, I began to feel much more terrible than I did on chemo day evenings. The first cycle, this lasted 2.5 days, the second cycle 4 days, the third cycle 6 days, and the fourth cycle was about 5 days if I’m remembering correctly. For me, it was so relieving to know I was done with the worst regimen, I talked myself into feeling better than I probably really felt.
With my 12 weekly ‘easier’ chemo, I felt no nausea and usually had great energy. The exception to this was the first dose as it took a little time for my body to determine what it was being hit with this time. I didn’t have nausea, but I needed to rest. For the 2nd – 12th cycles, it was definitely not okay for me to operate machinery or drive a car and was in a relatively hazy fog until about Day 3 when significant exhaustion began to take over my body.
Chemo drugs are typically progressive and each cycle has an extra day or two of hard times. Encourage your cancer patients to look for the pattern for each drug to predict what’s best needed during the chemo process.
Volunteering to visit or stay with a patient (at any point during treatment) can be good.
Weekend days are good to give family a break and allow for them to get out of the house. Cancer is a marathon experience so giving family members breaks from caregiving can be very good for their own wellbeing (mental, emotional, and physical). When the only breaks from being a caregiver are when during work and school do not allow for recovery from the stressors of cancer and can lead to burnout. Volunteering to sit with a patient is a gift to the whole family.
Weekday days are often needed when the patient may be home alone. During chemo, there were days I needed help preparing my food, and it provided peace of mind to know someone was here when I felt so weak I was worried I could pass out when getting up for the restroom or to take a shower, etc.
When visiting, quiet is key. (Those who know me are chuckling now because I have lots of words.) Bring a book, laptop, etc. You may even be able to work from your favorite patient’s home. There were days I was not capable of carrying on conversations or even staying awake. Other days, it was lovely to have someone with me so I didn’t feel alone and I laid on the couch and chatted with them on and off throughout the day.
There are a few words of caution when “showing up” for someone with cancer.
Obviously, don’t go if you’re sick… even if you think it’s just allergies.
Limit phone calls.
Text instead. I got sick on almost every phone call for the five months I was in chemo. Seriously, it was weird.
You may/may not get a text back. Keep checking in via text, even if your patient doesn’t answer. There’s a very good chance (s)he appreciated it in the moment and forgot to reply. Chemo brain is real.
Don’t talk too much when visiting. I LOVE to talk. Some days I could. Most days I couldn’t. Talking was a nausea trigger for me so over-doing it made me feel worse. Listening to someone else talk too long also induced nausea. Quiet is key.
Don’t expect your patient to be able to make decisions. For me, if I didn’t immediately know an answer of what I wanted or needed, any decision was overwhelming. For example, choosing colors to color a coloring book was too much for me and I LOVE to draw! Where this is most relevant is in the category of food. While it’s very sweet that you’d want to consider what your patient wants to eat, an open-ended, “What sounds good?” can be overwhelming. Instead, consider asking, “Do you have any foods that are best? Or any foods that are difficult to eat?” If they say, “anything”, bring anything OR consider saying something like, “Does___________ or ____________ sound better?” with very limited choices instead of an open-ended decision.
When visiting, don’t overstay or under stay. Pay attention to cues and know the patient may change his/her mind abruptly. Please don’t take it personally if this happens. I was often okay to be sociable until I wasn’t. My body rarely gave me any notice to warn folks I was getting tired or needed a break.
Talents.
There are so many ways you can use your talents to “give” to your favorite patient. Here are some examples:
Household chores - Are there chores you can do?
Show up with a laundry basket to take dirty clothes home to wash and return
Host playdates for the patient’s kiddos or sibling kiddos (at your home or theirs)
Take the dog for a walk or take it home for a playdate with your furry family member
If you have the house key, come by to wash dishes/clean the kitchen during chemo
Mow the grass, pull weeds, shovel snow and assist with regular yard maintenance
Plant (and water) some flowers or maintain a bird feeder outside a nearby window. Remember, anything you do that requires maintenance may also need the gift of upkeep or it can become an unintended burden.
Go grocery shopping & drop items off or put them away
Run errands – pick up dry cleaning, handle a return, or take things to Goodwill
Prepare some ‘go to’ meals to have on hand
Organize a meal train
Help clean out a closet, organize the pantry or refrigerator
Are there other things you do that you can ‘gift’ your friend based on your occupation?
Accountant – taxes for free?
Hair stylist – pre-chemo ‘chop’ for free? Or post-chemo haircut/stylings?
Decorator –refresh/furniture/accessory rearranging?
Chef/Restaurant Staff – drop off some food?
HR professional – explain FMLA regulations, options, or navigate work questions?
Nutritionist or Personal Training – assist with wellness needs?
Food.
If you’re wanting to help provide food for chemo patients, you should know that chemo drugs can cause food aversions and cravings that can be similar to pregnancy. One friend could only eat vanilla milkshakes; for another, it was brownies and lemonade. A friend of a friend could only tolerate macaroni and cheese. For me, my body craved apples, potatoes (twice baked were the best), and vegetable beef soup but I had a visceral aversion to raw vegetables. So, if you’re bringing food, know that you may be bringing food for the family and not necessarily the patient. Ask if there are any grocery or special items to pick up for the patient like a milkshake, ginger ale, Gatorade, crackers, eggs, toast, baked potatoes, which are usually a good place to start.
If you want set up a meal trains, they can be very helpful but can quickly become overwhelming for the patient and family to manage the leftovers and dishes. For most, 2-3 days per week is enough. In addition to a meal train, we had a friend volunteer to organize a social media request for grocery & restaurant gift cards, which were super helpful and appreciatively used for months!
When taking food, take dishes you don’t want back and communicate that to the family receiving the food. Disposable options are great, and I’ve recently seen folks buying inexpensive casserole dishes at thrift stores and then using them to take food to folks. Thrift store dishes are cheaper, in some cases, than disposable, don’t become trash, and can be paid forward to someone else at another time. Of course, that could feel like a burden to a patient. If you do need to leave a dish, take on the responsibility to also pick it up a few days later (even if it’s still dirty)! Another idea for helping is to reach out to the patient family to see if they have any dishes that need to be returned to someone else or dropped off at Goodwill.
In addition to taking food, consider also adding a breakfast or snack item for the following day. Another addition could be paper goods (paper plates, napkins) or over-the-counter medicine refills or household items that everyone needs such as paper towels or toilet paper. We even had a friend bring cat treats and a dog toy for our animals when she brought food. How sweet!
In summary, when trying to decide what to do to help a friend, put yourself in their shoes. What would be helpful to you if you were exhausted and sick and scared and overwhelmed? That’s probably something your loved cancer patient would like for you do to for them, too. Pay attention to their cues, use your talents, and show up as you can!
If you’re a cancer survivor and have suggestions to add to this resource of “what to do”, please email hello@lulusfight.com so your experiences can be included to better serve our readers and their loved ones!