What to Give
As a new cancer patient, the two most frequent questions I received were, “How can I help?” and “What do you need?”. Soon after, the #1 question became “I have a friend who was just diagnosed with cancer. What can I send her?”. I have continued to get this question almost once per week for nearly two years. This has confirmed what I knew to be true – there are so many wonderful people, like yourself, who want to help but aren’t quite sure what to do. And I certainly understand why.
Every cancer journey is so different. One of my best college friends and I both had different stage 3 breast cancers. Even though our cancers had almost identical treatment plans, we didn’t use the same things. The things that were the most important for her, didn’t work for me and I passed them along to others. Some of the things I loved, she never used. Also, cancer is expensive and often requires unexpected, expensive supplies. Because of this, (SPOILER ALERT) I recommend CASH and Amazon or grocery gift cards.
While money and gift cards are almost always going to be my first recommendation, I suspect there are three reasons you – as the amazing friend you are – might not like the recommendation. Experience has taught me that people want to give something other than cash or gift cards because:
You’d like to give something more personal.
Your friend might not be in a situation where money is a need.
You might not feel like you’re in a place where you can give money.
ANY of those three reasons are valid and legitimate and show you care so much about your friend. I’d still encourage you, if able, to include a gift card or cash in the personalized gift.
Before we get to the more personal items, here are some thoughts on gift cards:
Amazon
Grocery
Gas
Restaurants
Doordash or Uber Eats
Clothes retailers for comfy clothes
Activity gift cards for kids/family members (probably not for the patient)
While spa gift cards sound like they’d be a great idea (especially for a woman), there appear to be some differences of opinion within the oncology community regarding massages and active cancer (and potential germ issues). So, I’d say that’s a ‘better after cancer’ is over gift. If your patient wants to delay any massages, there’s a chance (s)he may or may not even remember you sent the gift card when it’s a great time to use it. Chemo brain is so real.
For tangible gifts, the following items are ones I either found to be extraordinarily helpful or things others told me were their favorites along a cancer journey. While the Lulu’s Fight resources are focused on cancer journeys, you may also find them to be helpful as you consider helping your friends on other difficult journeys of loss.
I’d also mention timing. While a 1x gift basket is wonderful and fun to open, consider smaller treats or ‘happies’ spread out over time. You may notice that the packages of Lulu’s Fight Cancer Care Cards are not 6 or 13 of the same card but contain 6 or 13 different individual cards. If you’d like to send cards to patients, I’d encourage purchasing a pack per patient and then sending that patient each of the cards from the pack one at a time so they can enjoy them all over time.
After cash, the next most ‘helpful’ gifts are supplies. This is tricky because every cancer journey is so different. I noticed is there is a very cyclical pattern to cancer treatment, the things I needed, and things I needed a lot of. Once someone is in their rhythm, a great question to ask is “are there some supplies I can replenish for you?”
If it’s a new patient, he/she will likely have no idea either so here are some commonly needed items:
For chemo, some of the over-the-counter supplies include:
Medicinal items such as Tylenol, Benadryl, Claritin (non-generic), Pepcid, Tums, Baking Soda, Oncology-grade mouth rinse,
Gatorade, ginger ale, bottled water (tap water can have a metal taste for chemo patients)
Hard candies or anti-nausea ginger or peppermint anti-nausea candies
Paper towels, cleaning supplies, hand sanitizer, Lysol
Non-metal travel cup and straws (chemo does leave a metallic taste that is worsened with the use of metal cups/straws for most patients)
For surgery, consider:
Cozy socks with grips, triple antibiotic ointment, gauze pads, chucks pads
For comfort anytime, think about things like:
Soft, light-weight blanket (washable only)
I was gifted lots of soft blankets and loved them all so while your patient may receive many, it’s nice to have extras when they get dirty or for sharing.
A cooling or weighted blanket could also be nice but depends on the patient.
Travel pillow
TV tray for use in the bed/couch
Wedge pillow
Thick body creams (scents can be problematic during chemo so peppermint or lavender or unscented)
CBD oil/products (if legal and only with oncologist’s approval) NOTE: Not all CBD oils have the same quality so do research first (I am not a medical professional and am not offering medical advice. I like Lab Canna’s TenneCBD Green and Ology CBD products).
Assistance with financial things (especially during treatment and the year following treatment):
Kid’s back to school supplies/clothes
Gift cards at Christmas or at family member’s birthdays
Example #1 - I finished treatment in August 2019 and in early December 2019 we received an Amazon gift card in the mail with a note, “just in case Christmas is financially hard”
Example #2 – One of our son’s birthdays is in April. We didn’t have money for a modest but adequate birthday celebration. We were able to use gift cards to make sure he was celebrated in April 2019.
Consider going in with others for an expensive gift (and asking the patient) if there’s a need for:
Recliner or couch
Grocery delivery service
Housecleaning service
Other ‘fun’ things could include:
Drawings/notes from your own kiddos – who doesn’t love a little scribbled personal portrait? ☺
Photos and memories
During my journey, a best friend of mine sent me an envelope of embarrassing middle school camp photos of the two of us late-1980s from us. We texted and laughed.
Survivor stories
We look for survivors. We look for those who’ve made it and done it. For me, I looked to Katy Bowser Hudson’s Now I Lay Me Down to Fight book of poems (Katy is a fellow IBC sister) and Dr. Kimberly Allison’s Red Sunshine to trust I’d make it through.
Tote bag
Candles
Cups/mugs
Lightweight/loose pjs or sweatpants
Stickers – fun or motivational
Coloring books – These are very commonly given (I think I received 10 and 4-5 boxes of colored pencils) so while they’re fun ideas, I want you to know they’re common purchases.
Paper or silicone straws (no metal)
If your favorite patient is a letter writer, pens, notecards & stamps can be nice, otherwise just skip on over these on the list.
Colorful Pens & Journals
Pet treats and toys for the furry family members
Hats, mittens, scarves
Electronic Gifts/Subscriptions could include:
Streaming Services – Netflix, Hulu, Disney+ ®, Apple TV, Audible, Headspace (there’s even a cancer mediation class available in the paid Headspace app), etc.
Shopping Memberships - Amazon Prime, Instacart, or Shipt
Commercial-free versions of apps – Happy Color and Jesus Calling were my personal favorites.
Things to Note:
IF chemo is involved, books in general (and Audible) are not recommended during this time period. Chemo has cognitive effects on your brain and attention span. Depending on the chemo received, it may be really hard to read or focus on almost anything of any substance. An exception to this is resource books about SURVIVOR stories, devotional books about faith, or short poems, etc., which may all be appreciated at some point in the journey.
When it comes to mailing/dropping gifts off at the door, contactless is likely preferred (and was in the cancer community even pre-Covid). If in-person contact is needed, text first to inquire about logistics and please respect the answer.
When you do interact with a cancer patient (texting, reading their social media), pay attention to anything they may say as clues for ways to help. For example, one night I texted with a friend in another city and mentioned I was congested and had a sore throat. The next day, I had an Amazon ‘Fresh’ delivery order on my porch with some flowers and some tea. Another time I posted I thought I was beginning to lose my eyebrows and a sweet friend sent me a stencil for drawing eyebrows on my own. Little things sent with lots of love.
Please do not expect a thank you card. You may receive one, but…. It’s a gift in and of itself to make at note that you’re not expecting one when you send your gift.
A note about Doing vs. Asking
When I was in college, I took a psychology class on Death & Dying. I don’t remember most of the class, but there were two things that I have profoundly helped how I encourage others to this day. I also tested these during my journey and found them to be encouraging to me.
Lesson #1 was instead of asking “Can I do anything for you?” or “What can I do for you?”, which are two questions your favorite cancer patient may not even know the answer to, consider just doing something you are willing to do. If you don’t know what to do or truly need some guidance, send a message with a few options like, “Do any of the following sound helpful to you? bring you a meal, take you to chemo, take your kids for a day, sort through your mail, walk your dog, wash your car, mow your lawn?“
One of the most important takeaways for us was how hard it was to ask for financial help. There were several months in our journey we were not sure how we would pay our mortgage or all of our bills. At the beginning of our journey, we thought we had the financial resources to make it to completion, but my treatment plans were extended in ways that did not allow me to get back to work as quickly as we naively hoped. We were extraordinarily blessed because we had several people who had told us, ‘If you need money, please ask.’ We knew people offered; we knew we could call or text them, but it was uncomfortable to make the call. Since everything else was uncomfortable, too, we didn’t make the call.
THANKFULLY, without fail there were also folks, during those exact times, who mailed us a check, organized a fundraiser, or called and told us they were giving us money. Yes, it was humbling. No, it wasn’t comfortable to receive money from others. But without fail, it was relieving. It was an answered prayer. We cried tears of gratitude. Every. Time.
The lesson #2 from that college Death & Dying class was that memories are good, especially in death. If I’ve learned anything about cancer, it’s that is a ruthless thief. It steals lives without reason while others miraculously make it, even though science says they shouldn’t. This is important - if the cancer journey doesn’t end in life and health, keep sharing memories as they are good and needed. Talk about the loved one. Reminisce about old times and tell funny stories. Don’t forget the stories or the life well-lived and bravely fought.
So, in summary, gifts that show you haven’t forgotten in life or in death bring the most comfort. Thank you for loving your person. Thank you for caring enough to learn more about what’s helpful and perhaps what is not. And finally, if you’re a cancer survivor and have something to add to this resource page, please let us know by emailing hello@lulusfight.com. We’d be honored to include your experience to best support the cancer patients our readers know and love.