What to Say
Before we begin, there is a very important point to note:
Every.
Person.
Is.
Different.
While everyone is different and every journey is different, most people want to know (1) they’re not alone and (2) you’re thinking about them. Anything you say along those lines is usually great! You don’t have to say much. There are two authors I love who have taught me more about this concept: Parker Palmer and Brené Brown. I first remember being introduced to the idea of simply being with another person in dark times instead of trying to ‘fix’ it in Parker Palmer’s book, Let Your Life Speak. He writes about a period of depression and the attempts of others to provide advice or comfort. He told of an experience of a friend named Bill who visited regularly without saying much. I used the book as part of an assignment for some of my favorite leadership students, and in preparation, it stuck out to me. In our class discussion, this piece of wisdom was one of the first mentioned by the students as it resonated with them and their experiences as well. Palmer wrote, “One of the hardest things we must do sometimes is to be present to another person’s pain without trying to ‘fix’ it, to simply stand respectfully at the edge of that person’s mystery and misery.”
Brené Brown writes about this extensively, and I highly recommend her work. She has profoundly changed the way I seek to interact with others. In her book Dare to Lead, she discusses empathy at length. She writes, “Empathy isn’t about fixing. It’s the brave choice to be with someone in their darkness—not to race to turn on the light so we feel better.”
So, as you sit with a blank card ready to write or a text open ready to compose a message, remember you don’t have to fix anything. Those in dark places often just don’t want to be alone. If you’re having trouble knowing what to say, start with messages like:
“I love you.”
“I’m thinking of you.”
“Cancer sucks.”
“I’m sorry you’re walking through this, but you’re not walking through this alone.”
“Just wanted to give you a reason to get out and walk to your mailbox today!”
“Just wanted to let you know that I saw _____________ today, and it reminded me of you. Thinking of you always.”
“I hope today is a good day and if it isn’t, I hope this card made it a little better knowing you’re loved.”
“You are amazing. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it. I understand your journey is difficult, but I know you can do it. I’m here cheering you on!”
“You can do this! I’m still here cheering you on… you’re not alone!”
“O M G! I thought about the time we (insert a memory) and it made me laugh out loud today. I had to share and tell you how grateful I am that we’re friends. We should definitely go there/do that again!”
“Cancer is so hard. I’m so sorry. I will be checking in on you to make sure you know you’re not alone. Never feel the need to reply, I just want you to know I’m sending you love.”
“Never feel the need to reply.”
Before we continue, Brené Brown discusses the idea of “permission slips”, which are great to give cancer patients as often as you can. Permission not to reply to texts or messages, permission not to send thank you notes, and permission to not return clean dishes from shared meals are some of the best and most simple permission slips to give. They are also great things to write in a card!
You can also use a card image or something you include such as a cartoon, a sticker, a gift card, etc., as a prompt to for the message. Two of my best encouragers were/are two women who I never saw on my journey. First is Pat, who sent me cards nearly every week. Her cards often included some cash, but that’s not what made them special. Her messages would be something as simple as drawing as many stars or smileys as she could fit on the page with a message like, “this is how many times I’ve thought of you or prayed for you this week”. Her notes always made me smile. Second was Sheila, my sophomore English teacher. She has sent me a meme or cartoon via Facebook messenger every single day since she learned of my diagnosis. Most are funny and light-hearted with just a couple of words like, “this is you” or “keep shining” or whatever encouragement fit with the theme of the cartoon or meme. This morning’s was a meme about the importance of eating a whole cake in one sitting to ensure it stays moist and fresh. Her comment was “Today’s cooking tip.” Yes, she gets me.
I also want to share the most common response I received when I asked a group of IBC women once what quotes or sayings were the best or most encouraging messages to hear, and to my surprise, multiple women shared, “this too shall pass”. While I didn’t find that to be particularly encouraging, I understand it. There is a cyclical nature to chemo. The hardest days don’t last forever, they do pass. It was a particularly interesting response for me to read from a group of women who are entirely late stage cancer survivors with a rare and aggressive form of breast cancer. Yes, this, too, shall pass. It’s good to remember in those dark days of chemo or after surgery when the drains are still in, or when the end of radiation is forever away, but it’s true they don’t last forever. It can be a good reminder.
I am part of a church community where our motto is “Love First” and part of a cancer community with the motto, “Hope Always”. Both capture the spirit of encouragement I try to live and share with others. Start with love, avoid trying to fix or instantly point to the ‘bright side’, always encourage hope, and you’ll likely say just the right thing.
And for a little pro-tip: If you feel the pressure of needing to say more to fill up a card, write with a marker instead of a pen because (1) the colors can be happy and (2) you can fill the page without writing as much! Also, remember Pat’s inclusion of stars or smiles and feel free to cover that white space up with something other than words. ☺
Considerations (with some reasons why from the perspective of a survivor)…
As you’re deciding what you want to say, I’d also like to provide some thoughts regarding topics that could be helpful to consider as I’ve learned from others or experienced personally over the last few years. Consider these to be public service announcements (PSAs) that might be hard for a patient to say but they likely may be feeling.
Consider the privacy of your friend/family member.
I’ve met both men & women with cancer diagnoses who are very private about them. If that’s the case, consider a private delivery of your card/gift at home without any indication of their diagnosis on the envelope. Avoid public posts, postcards (without an envelope), external stickers that hint at their diagnosis. They may become open over time so follow their cues.
Remember that cancer staging and type of cancer may need to shape your message.
For most cancer diagnoses, “Get Well Soon” is not appropriate wording for a card. While this never bothered me, it doesn’t send a “I understand you’re going through a long-term journey” message. Also, for some, there is no getting well so “Get well soon” sentiments can be insensitive.
Know the acceptance of a diagnosis is a journey itself.
For me, I claimed fighting Inflammatory Breast Cancer as my one and only job immediately, and I shared it with everyone I knew. I love people, and it helped me to be cheered on by as many people as I could share my news with. On the flip side, I have a sweet breast cancer sister who mentioned she didn’t like receiving “breast cancer-themed” gifts, stickers, etc., because it was a badge she didn’t want to wear so not using the gift felt wasteful or a burden.
In case you’re thinking, “wait, if it’s not good to send someone a gift with the theme of cancer, why is an anti-cancer themed card fine?” Great question. The thing she didn’t like receiving was something such as a pink ribbon survivor sticker or other “I’m a breast cancer survivor” themed-item because she wasn’t ready to let everyone know and didn’t want the burden of having to get rid of the gift.
I’d recommend letting people buy their own cancer paraphernalia or asking if this is something they’d like to receive. This is different from Cancer Care Cards that ‘stick it to cancer’ or show solidarity in the fight against cancer, which is typically welcomed and well-received whether they are Lulu’s Fight Cancer Care Cards or other cancer-related cards you find. I can assure you that you won’t be reminding a cancer patient of his/her/their cancer. Think of sending an anti-cancer themed card that as a reminder you’re in it with us, too. Make sense?
Faith-based messages can be tricky, even for strong people of faith.
Even Christians struggle with their faith and God in a cancer journey. It can be hard to read or receive scripture of God’s deliverance or messages that God takes care of you or performs miracles when He hasn’t already delivered you or taken away your cancer or the cancer of someone you love. That’s not to say you can’t write about faith as my journey was certainly faith-filled and I boldly claimed and tried to receive scripture.
A few ways faith messages can be better received are demonstrated in the following examples. A childhood cancer buddy’s dad posted a picture on social media last week of a card they received from someone with two gas gift cards (before a much-needed fall break trip) along with the verse, ‘Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” – Galatians 6:2.
A verse that came to life for me so much that I literally wrote it on our living room wall in sharpie was Philippians 2:1-2, “Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and mind.” It was really encouraging to me to read verses like this and see how others who brought us food or cared for us in some way were God being manifested in those around me. It was easier to see God and receive scripture when I watched it lived out in a person’s actions instead of words written on a card.
For me, it was also really comforting to read prayers that people shared that they were praying for me. Once again the theme of “you’re not alone” really shined as encouragement in very special ways through written prayer. There are two beautiful volumes of liturgies written by Douglas Kaine McKelvey entitled, “Every Moment Holy”. Volume II focuses on death, grief and hope, and takes my breath away sometimes. He has options for free downloads of a few of these liturgies focused on helping others on his website.
Remember, don’t try to ‘fix it’, especially with comments about ‘new’ body parts.
I cannot speak for other cancer survivors, but I have yet to meet a breast cancer survivor who was comforted by initial messages of, “well, at least you will get new boobs”. (Well, maybe I met one – LOL – but this is not the norm, especially at the time of diagnosis.) From my sisters in an online support group, I learned this was one of the most insensitive comments received by many in the group, and it was almost always from well-meaning people. So, as a PSA from the breast cancer patients and survivors in your life - Please. Don’t. Say. This. Reconstruction is not a “bright side” and for those of us with IBC diagnoses, it may not even be a possibility so there’s that, too.
I hope you feel much more confident that you have so many options of what to say after reading this resource. If you’re realizing you’ve said the wrong things at times, don’t worry, you’re not alone in that. I’ve done it, too. Thankfully, when we know better, we can do better. I’ve certainly changed what I say to folks going through hard times now that I have experience to do it differently…and if you’re here, you’re probably a great encourager anyway so this just provided confidence to fuel the amazing person you are!
If you’re a cancer survivor and have an example of a really helpful message you’ve received (or a warning about a hurtful one) that you want to share, please send it to hello@lulusfight.com. I’d be honored to include your examples so other cancer patients can be encouraged in similar ways!